Bedtime Stories
by SapSorrow
Summary: A collection of very silly one-shots surrounding the bedtime shenanigans of Harley and Joker. It's all foolishness and tasteless jokes I'm afraid.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Conatins some rather sick jokes, so if you don't think dead baby jokes are funny go read something nice, maybe with Bruce Wayne in. :-)**

**Forks & Nachos**

She was just on the verge of sleep, had just managed to wriggle into a position that, at least if it still hurt, was comfortable enough to sleep in when a voice crept, low and long and insinuating into her ear -

"Haaaarley -" it drawled, cracking open her peaceful lid of sleep.

"Urgh?" she muttered. A giggle behind her and an arm creeping round her waist, the voice she loved so well, so close, lips brushing her ear, tickling -

"What's red, white and silver?"

"Mmm?"

"A baby with forks in its eyes."

"Aaargh!" she yelled, "Mr J! I was almost asleep!"

He chuckled and poked her playfully in the bruises.

"Spoilsport". Then he fell silent and she began to drift back to sleep.

Ten minutes later and once more warm on the verge -

"Haaaaaaaarleykins-"

"Mmf?"

"How do you fit a baby in a bucket?"

She whimpered sleepily.

"A blender!"

She howled and clamped a pillow to her ears to drown out the cheery laughter that rocked at her back and was, she realised tiredly, entirely at her own expense.

It was harder to get back to sleep a second time and it was almost half an hour later and close to it again when -

"Sweetie - baby- pumpkin - pie?"

She could have cried. The noise she made was almost a sob.

"How do you get a baby out of a bucket?"

She waited.

Silence.

She watied some more, wanting him just to get it over with so she couldget back to sleep. Just because his being annoying as all hell was half of why she loved him didn't mean it wasn't annoying as all hell when she wanted to sleep.

Silence.

"Well?" She sighed, finally cracking.

"Well what, pooh?"

Patiently, "I don't know Mr J, how do you get a baby out of a bucket?"

Silence.

More silence.

Silence until she figured he must have fallen asleep himself and she rolled over with a sigh and had just closed her eyes to sleep when a teasing voice in her ear chuckled -

"Nachos."

--

**If you've heard them before I apologise, if you hadn't and liked them I've a stack more, though i confess they're not mine, so thank you Matt! **

**If you wanna know what's blue and orange and floats on the bottom of a pool just leave me feedback and I'll tell you!**

**See what I did there?!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Bedtime Stories #2**

**Smile**

She felt so honoured to be able to watch him sleep, and ever so slightly guilty, like she was doing something wrong. She wondered what wonderful thing she had ever done to allow her this honour and couldn't for the life of her imagine what it could have been. Such a naughtly little girl. So wicked. Yet he put up with her so patiently, so indulgently. She didn't deserve it.

It was unusual for her to get a chance like this. Usually he was up and out long before she was. Or up not long before she was and draggiong her awake for any variety of purposes. Of course there had been the one lovely time that she had woken up to find him looking down at her quite adoringly, poking her on the nose when her eyes fluttered open and greeting her with -

"Aww, pooh- bear, d'you know you sleep with your thumb in your mouth?"

Then he had laughed, stolen all the covers and rolled away from her to sleep again.

He had stolen the covers again this time, which was why she had woken up first, rather cold. But she couldn't be cross. He looked so sweet, all curled up like a tired little boy and all but sucking his thumb himself. It made her smile; he looked so peaceful.

She remembered something her mother used to do, long long ago, to make her smile when she was sad and now she found herself echoing it. Gently she traced one finger around his face, like a child drawing a picture of a face on a face; circle, then two dots on the eyelids, one on the nose and a big smiley mouth to finish.

"Face" she whispered as her mother had done, leaving a real smile behind. She never had to worry that his smile would fade, like so many others did, so soon. She could believe so easily that he was always happy and - if she tried really hard - believe that she made him so. It was all she needed to be happy herself.

Her lingering fingers remembered another of her mother's tricks when she was sad;

"Smile!" she would say, poking two fingers into the corners of her mouth to make them turn upwards. It had usually worked. Then she had gotten older, if never quite grown up and being told to smile had annoyed her as much as it did anyone else. Except when he did it of course, but then his own cheery grin was so infectious.

She thought about playing the "Smile!" trick on him and the idea of it made her giggle.

"Something you'de like to share with the class Harl?" His voice grated suddenly, close to her ear making her jump and yelp a little. She had been gazing so dreamily at his lips that she hadn't noticed his eyes had been open for some moment and looking at her quizzically, amuzed. He chuckled to see her jump and she couldn't resist it, wicked thing that she was

"Smile!" she giggled, pleased he wasn't angry. She never could guess when he would be. It was all part of the fun.

"Oh Harley my sweet," he purred, pressing two soft fingers against the edge of her lips "You do always make me."

She was so pleased and happy that he had called her sweet that she couldn't even have said at which point he had tied her wrists to the back of the bed.

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